There are approximately 6,000 divorces in Ireland every year. This figure is pretty static, and despite perceptions, there is no significant increase in marital breakdown in Ireland. However, undoubtedly everyone knows someone who has or is going through a divorce. Equally, every spouse knows that it is not inconceivable that it could end up happening to them too.
It is therefore clear that it would be silly to ignore the signs that a marriage is in serious trouble. If you stick your head in the sand and fail to plan, you may find yourself totally unprepared when it happens. Ending a marriage is possibly one of the most difficult decisions you will make in your lifetime and it should not be taken lightly. Equally, you should expend all possible options such as counseling/therapy before deciding to end a marriage.
However, it is rarely stated, but sometimes it is simply better for all concerned including the children for a divorce to happen. People can be afraid of the unknown as to what will happen when they separate, they can be afraid of the consequences financially and can stay together “for the sake of the children”. These can all be excuses for not making difficult decisions and bear in mind that 6,000 people get over the process every year. Recognizing when there is a marriage breakdown and whether it’s time for a divorce is not a simple process.
Recognizing the Signs of Marriage Breakdown
So how do I know if my marriage is over? Should I attempt reconciliation? Should I persist in counseling? These are questions that people ask themselves. As an aid, I will suggest some early signs of relationship breakdown
- You are actively avoiding your partner. This may seem simple but this is generally a sure sign. You may be avoiding your spouse because you no longer care enough to fix the marriage or you are afraid for your physical or mental health. It is clear that any form of abuse either physical or mental should be reported and divorce should 100% be considered.
- Loss of respect: This may seem strange, but if you do not believe your spouse to be reliable or truthful, this can be a sign that divorce is around the corner. This lack of respect can be further demonstrated by dismissing the other spouse’s point of view as irrelevant or incorrect without any dialogue, regularly minimizing the other spouse’s contribution to the family or constant criticism of one spouse by another.
- Lack of empathy for your spouse. When a spouse honestly states “I don’t care anymore” then this can be a sign that the couple is on the brink of divorce. When they feel that they “have tried and tried and tried” had uncomfortable conversations, been promised changes, and had counseling and nothing comes from it, people can just arrive at that point of being unempathetic. This can take the form of not caring about a spouse’s physical or mental health difficulties, unwillingness to help a spouse in distress, refusing to speak about marital problems, and deliberately making statements that a spouse knows are hurtful to the other spouse.
- You are actively thinking about life after divorce: This is a clear sign. Are you making lists about the next phase of your life without your spouse? If you think this way, it is probably time to consider your future.
If you are unsure, what should you do? After all lots of good marriages go through very rough patches. Experts recommend that couples take these steps:
What to Do Before Considering Divorce
- Have an honest open conversation with your spouse about your feelings. It is difficult to know whether you should discuss your feelings with a very close friend as it may seem to be a breach of confidence by your spouse. Surely it is best to convey your feelings and concerns honestly with your spouse. The reaction will reveal a lot about your future.
- Avoid making big decisions during times of big change. By that I mean if you have moved jobs recently or had a new baby or moved to a different part of the country, don’t make decisions at this time. As these events can cause a lot of stress and inevitably cause tremors in even healthy marriages. Assess the situation when things have settled back to normal.
- Attend a Counsellor: Even if you both are fixed on separating, you owe it to yourselves to try counselling even if the final result will still be a divorce. A good counselor can make this divorce transition easier. Also sometimes the benefit of a counsellor can break through previously the most difficult of problems
From a legal point of view, I frequently get requests for appointments from people considering whether they are going to separate. Maybe it is an old-fashioned point of view not shared by colleagues, especially in other jurisdictions but I never have these appointments. While I understand the sentiments that they “want to know where I stand”, I feel that speaking to a solicitor is putting the cart before the horse.
Emotional Considerations in the Decision to Divorce
Consider the emotional factors first and make a decision based on that. It would be easy for me to say but when you have spent all the options and have decided to divorce, then speak to a lawyer. It always seems strange to me that if I advise that ‘the house will have to be sold” a decision will be made to live an unhappy life with their spouse for the next 10-15 years because they cannot face this reality.
One of the most common enquiries we receive is from people who ring up every 6 months leading an unhappy life but who refuse to pull the band-aid off because of the consequences. Again this is the most natural human reaction. I would suggest a majority of Irish people never do anything about their unhappy relationship because they don’t want to face the inevitable pain financially and emotionally of a divorce.
This leads me to another common enquiry which is the people who have not had a normal marital relationship for a decade(s) who now want to start the process. The difficulty is that it is still equally painful but much of life has been wasted in the intervening time.
Steps to Take If You Think It’s Time for Divorce
So when you have decided it is time to start your divorce journey, I suggest you pay for the following essential tools:
- A good counselor who you can speak to weekly if possible to guide you through the inevitable emotional rollercoaster the divorce legal process will bring
- A good, Experienced family law Solicitor. Get advice as soon as you have made the decision and a top tip is to not confuse this expert with the counselor. The lawyer was trained in a law school and has no training in how to help people with their emotional journeys.
- A good financial planner. With the vast majority of marriage breakdowns, one house must become two. A financial planner will tell you “how much you can get” ie to buy out your spouse from the family home. A good solicitor will have told you this but don’t even begin legal proceedings without getting this advice.
Each marriage is individual and what is considered acceptable in one marriage is not acceptable in another. Consider your own circumstances as only you can decide this yourself. Look objectively at the behaviors and current conditions of the marriage. Look clearly and don’t let outside factors cloud the decision-making process. If you do decide to divorce then unlike marriages the format of a divorce is largely the same. Some couples try mediation but either way each party usually employs a solicitor and a court-mandated process begins and is either relatively quick and amicable or long and difficult depending on the spouses.
